Some women dream of their wedding day and their honeymoon as the relationship goal they want to reach. But for many, a secure relationship tops these. Because after all, a wedding day is just a day. A honeymoon is a little longer. But neither guarantees a secure relationship. Security in a relationship is something you have to feel throughout your relationship together.
Unfortunately, this security can be missing or imbalanced in too many relationships. Does this ring true for you? If you or your partner are feeling anxious, don't worry! There’s plenty you can do to feel more secure in a relationship.
What does security in a relationship look like?
Security in a relationship happens when the emotional needs of both partners are met. These needs will vary from couple to couple.
For some, this could mean meeting long-term goals like getting married. Or it could be simpler everyday details like not judging your partner if they’re having a bad day.
But the main cornerstones of a secure relationship are trust, respect, and unconditional love. So, you're onto a great thing when you have these as the foundation of your partnership.
What are the problems in an insecure relationship?
Of course, we can’t talk about security in a relationship without discussing what insecurity looks like, too. And it ain't pretty! Some common signs of insecurity include jealousy, a lack of trust, dishonesty, and constant arguments. Yuck!
But if any of these sound familiar, don’t worry, because feeling insecure is part of being human. It’s a sign you care about your relationship, and you want to hold onto it.
And sometimes being insecure is just the brain’s way of trying to solve issues before they happen. You're trying to predict what could go wrong so you can fix it!
But the main problem with insecurity in a relationship is it can quickly become unhealthy and may sometimes even be a deal-breaker.
For example, imagine you’re constantly accusing your partner of cheating on you, and those accusations are unfounded. Your partner will probably feel hurt you don't trust them!
On the other hand, if your insecurities about infidelity turn out to be correct, your relationship is missing the respect and trust you deserve.
So, let's dive into how to have security in love with these key tips!
7 Key tips to develop security in a relationship
Security in a relationship is a two-way street. So, remember to treat your partner well if you want them to mirror your behavior.
It’s also important for each partner to work on their individual security. Often, a partner who is insecure in their own life can project that lack of confidence within the relationship.
If you're ready to get started, follow these top tips to get more secure in a relationship.
1. Treat each other with respect
Respect is the key to having security in love! Show your partner respect by talking openly and honestly with them about anything that concerns you. But make sure you actively listen to their response.
As a respectful partner, you can also be a pillar of support if your other half is feeling low. For instance, let them know you’re there to talk through any problems and speak kindly to show you value their feelings.
Remember, though, relationships are not one-sided. So, if you’re not receiving the respect you deserve, or you believe you’re in a toxic or abusive relationship, please take steps to reach out and seek the help you need. This could mean confiding in a friend, speaking to a counselor, or contacting a domestic violence shelter.
Leaving an abusive partner behind can be a difficult decision, but it’s the only way to gain the physical and mental security you need. Keep in mind, that abuse is not only physical. It could be financial abuse or emotional abuse too.
2. Be consistent
Consistency is important in a secure relationship, so no one is left tiptoeing around wondering which version of their partner they’ll see today.
Do mood swings cause problems with security in your relationship? These can lead your partner to second-guess your feelings, resulting in a lack of security. They might ask questions like,
“Why is she yelling at me?”
“Doesn’t she find me attractive anymore?”
“What have I done wrong?”
Honestly, we all have bad days and sometimes we take them out on our partners. But try to focus on showing your partner basic respect regardless of what life throws at you. If things are tough, positive communication can help your partner to feel more secure–just let them know what’s going on.
Remember, too, mood swings can sometimes be down to medical issues, including hormone imbalances or mental health problems. So, if mood swings are a recurring issue in your relationship, it may be worth seeking medical advice.
3. Plan life goals together
One of the fun parts of being in a secure relationship is looking ahead and planning out your life together. Are you on the same page about big life decisions like starting a family or where you want to live? Perhaps you’d like to plan a dream road trip or vacation together?
You don’t need to be a carbon copy of your partner, and it’s healthy to enjoy individual pursuits. But when you share the same ambitions, this is a fantastic way to feel secure in love and know you’re heading along life’s path together.
Louis de Bernieres puts it beautifully in Captain Corelli’s Mandolin.
“Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.”
4. Gain financial security in your relationship
Getting your finances on track together is one of the key ways to feel more secure in a relationship. 73% of married or cohabiting Americans reveal financial decisions are a source of tension in their relationships. Worse still, 47% admit this tension has negatively impacted intimacy with their partner.
Know that money can be an enormous source of stress and it can come in many forms. It might be financial infidelity (secrecy and dishonesty about money), gambling, or just differences of opinion on how to budget.
Susan Jeffers, author of “Feel the Fear Guide to Lasting Love,” says “being in debt creates huge problems in a relationship. Get professional help if either one of you can't stop spending. Consult financial experts and make an effective plan for moving your financial security in the right direction."
Another way to gain security in a relationship is to pursue financial wellness together. Why not make a budget as a couple, or take a financial skills course together? You can also start a savings pot for the future or create a plan to knock down your debt quicker. Make achieving financial intimacy with your partner fun!
As a side note, many couples choose to open a joint bank account together. This can be a great way to keep track of your joint finances. But we would always recommend each partner keeps a separate bank account of their own too.
5. Learn to compromise
Compromising is a crucial skill for your relationship security toolkit. But what does compromise look like in your relationship?
For example, it might mean coming to an agreement about who to spend Christmas with. Or it could mean working together to choose the family’s next vacation destination.
By working together on these roadblocks, you'll find a solution that works for both parties rather than being fixated on 'winning'. Being able to compromise with each other is an important part of feeling secure in a relationship.
6. Respect boundaries
Boundaries can sound limiting in a relationship. But actually, they’re essential in creating a safe and secure space for each partner to feel comfortable in.
In many healthy relationships, the boundaries may be unspoken. Each partner will intuitively know what is and isn’t acceptable within their relationship. But if security in love is lacking, why not sit down with your partner and discuss where your boundaries lie?
7. Be yourself
Being secure in your relationship should mean bringing 100% of your authentic self to the relationship. After all, insecurities can arise when a partner acts and behaves differently with their friends or family, compared to how they are in their relationship.
It’s important to be honest and vulnerable with your partner, and show them who you truly are. To have real security in love means being your wonderful self with your partner!
Take positive action to maintain security in your relationship
Developing security in a relationship comes down to having the utmost respect for your partner. If you’re anxious that security is lacking, start taking positive action today.
No matter how small these steps are, you can begin to create a stable relationship filled with love, friendship, and trust.